Change

I used to be such an ambitious child it's actually painful to look back

and watch how life slowly mowed me to the ground over the years.

At 12 I started writing a book. Halfway through 2 exercise books later, I abandoned the project and later disposed the books. I did keep a file of poems somewhere, and continued to whine about my life in journals--I have books and books of them stacked somewhere in my room that probably got read by guests who came to stay in my room while I was here.

At age 13 I honestly, honestly thought if I trained hard enough in something I could end up in the Olympics by age 16. 

Well we all know that didn't happen.

At age 17 I wanted to be everyone and everything. 

A doctor, a journalist, an interior designer, an illustrator, an engineer, an architect...

University? Hell to the yes.

England?  outer space? Ship me on the next flight, please.

Anyone got any nasty opinions to hold against me? well you can fuck right off to outer space.

I was so eager to get my hands on anything new.

Violin notes sounded like a cat fart but it's ok because I believed that I would get to a quarter of Vanessa Mae's skills at some point.

I had zero clue how to carry the weight of a bass guitar let alone play it but because it sounded so good in music I didn't care if i knew a string from the other.

Fast forward 6 years later, nearing age 23...

life has obviously flattened me to the beds of the earth.

I am petrified... of anything and everything.

 I get affected by what the news tells me,

I get affected by what people do or say to me. 

I'm TERRIFIED of changes,

I'm scared to leave my job, scared to take a step too far beyond my control,

if you offered to relocate me on another part of the world I would look at you like you were speaking gibberish. 

The only place where I feel safe and invincible is in my room, under this duvet,

where I am more than an arm's reach from the rest of the world.

It's like i've aged by 30 years in a short period of time.

And the 20s is when we're supposed to be carefree and ignorant.

What the hell has happened to this child? 

Well then. 

All of this has got to change.