Quarter life crisis

It has been about a month since my submission and 5 days since the official end of the 2010/2011 academic term. 

In an ideal world this post would take an eternity to load due to suffocating amounts of holiday pictures tagged with a little commentary on airy summer dresses, beautiful men, tan lines and tropical islands. The REAL world, however, paints a contrasting picture of me in my (all-black) work uniform, soaked head to toe in 2 weeks' worth of English rain, with the heating on (bear in mind it's June), googling up images of the Caribbean. 

I am currently in the midst of an intermission, between post-hand-in and results, between student life and career life-- the period of uncertainty in which I will have to eventually figure out what to do with myself and what I want out of life. In some ways I am glad to be able to take about 2 months off the trauma of architecture, even though life isn't any more adventurous considering the hours have now been switched over to working. Don't get me wrong, earning money is great knowing that I can live comfortably without worrying about the state of my account every time rent and bills haemorrhage out of my account. But after a while you start to realise that paydays are merely the equivalent of temporary happiness, alongside all the material things your purchase: Clothes, bags, shoes-- you get elated after every purchase, but this happiness expires soon after, and often they are forgotten in the hidden corners of your wardrobe. Holidays tend to have a longer happiness shelf-life, and memories stick around for as long as you want them to. Yet I tend to find that the happiness wears off soon after the plane touches down, overshadowed by post-holiday withdrawals when you're once again back to work. 

I don't know anymore. what am I working for? It used to be for money but now it feels like it doesn't matter anymore. Or does it? Am I working just to fill my time? Just because I should,because this is what people do when they leave university to fulfil their human responsibilities? It sounds stupid, but because I have been working for nearly 2 years I can't picture myself being unemployed anymore, whether I like it or not. Like it's some obligation I have to carry out to fulfil, in a twisted way, my self worth.  I'm not entirely unhappy. Yet I'm not exactly happy either. I'm utterly confused with myself. The very reason he used to tease me and call me confused.com. When did I become like this? I used to have clear goals and a psychotic schedule that mapped out my plans for the day--even during school holidays!

I guess after a while the feeling just manifests as constant frustration, being in the same routine over and over again. I know this is the life that we will all be destined to,for a good 30 years, unless we become home makers. It is a scary intermission, because I'm not even sure what I want anymore. Ideally, I would love to travel around, and figure out the perfect place to settle down. Ironically, I need to work my ass off and earn craploads of money before I can even dream of that. I guess I just want to return to the days of innocence before i discovered how raw the real world really is. I wouldn't go through high school again, just the bubble that we lived in-- away from the outside, the real world. The world in which people are bitter and corporate-mannered, some hidden behind masks of extreme dishonesty.

 It often puts me in amazement how people can work a 9-5 job everyday, for years--decades even. I guess this is when the factor of having passion for what you do comes in handy, but how many of us are this lucky?  Sometimes I think that this is a punishment us modern beings bring upon ourselves-- this constant need and obsession for money. Money,after all, makes the world go round. I know there are many of you who would think otherwise, but it is unfortunately the real deal that we have become so dependent on it, even though we go through so much unhappiness in the process. At the end of the day, you have to make ends meet for a roof to go over your head, and for our little luxuries to work. There is sadly no more turning back for us. Be honest, after living your lifetime in such an advance world will you willingly give up your mobile phone, internet, laptop, car, house, wardrobe, shoes, etc, and live the simple days our grandparents lived in? I can't live without the internet let alone go anywhere without my phone in sight.

Over the years I think I'm starting to understand the actions and decisions that my parents have made. For this matter I really salute them for all their years dedicated to working. All those years that my dad had driven back an forth tirelessly from Keningau to home, and all those years that my mother had put herself to work on public holidays to cover for her staff, I'm glad they finally get to enjoy retirement life. I think my dad is definitely doing the right thing enjoying life and travelling loads now. The elder generation had rougher days, yet ironically it seems like it is the current generation who have had it easy who seem to face the hardships of dealing with life's issues, has this advanced world stripped us off our human endurance?

Shit, am I going through quarter life crisis?