Sincerely, exasperated waitress.

1. I'm sorry, maam, I'm going to have to tell you to tie your kids to the table, please.

Possibly with the packets of crisps, and loo rolls that they have unraveled all over the toilets.

2. In case you haven't noticed, there's nearly 30 of you and 1 of me. 

 As much as I wish I was some magician who could bilocate, I'm just the waitress who pops your beer caps open, and gets the wrath of exploding beers.

Wait for your turn to order.

3. What's that, sir? You wanted a burger with a bun that's not marked by the grill, no tomatoes but extra onions and green peppers, no cheese on it, with your fries replaced with coleslaw, oh and your meat patty just a little bit well done, with some extra 3 sauces on the side? With 29 other people's food to prepare, love, the chef cannot cope with that one (or more) fussy orders. He's used to preparing things the way it's meant to be so it will be on your cause that the food might not turn out the way you want it.

4. I don't know where this unwritten rule comes from, maybe your nostrils?

Just because your food comes out a few minutes later than everyone else's, it does not give you the right to demand that you are not paying for it. We are not Pizza Hut's 17 minutes or get the next pizza free, my love. 

5. If there is a problem, tell me straight when I come to ask the table if everything is okay.

Don't give me a Mr or Mrs Universe smile, say everything's okay, and then rant my ears off later about how bad it was when the bill comes. It just makes you look like you're schizophrenic and coming for food with no means to pay it. 

6. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh hysterically and/or punch you in the face when you tell me, "this is inedible i'm not paying for it", all the while, still eating, licking your fingers AND the plate spotless clean as you speak. Consider yourself lucky that I am too tired out from my life to waste anymore energy trying to make a facial expression at your stupidity.

7. Hello, sir at the till. Shall I give you a microphone with a loudspeaker? Oops, guess you don't need it after all, you're already shouting as I breathe. It must give you so much satisfaction to be able to swear at me, knowing that I won't answer back. That's okay, keep going. I'll just lower this little knob in my brain to turn you on mute while I make my mental list for dinner. Rice and stir fry? pizza? oops, sorry sir, are you done? Sorry to break it to you, but your trick is old and stale. We've seen too many of you, making a scene so we have no choice but to give in to you to keep the other diners undisturbed. It doesn't work that way, my dear. Go ahead, do what you want. Just remember to smile at the CCTv, so you'll get a lovely snapshot for the cops.

Honestly, people have some serious issues here.

p/s doing quite well with not swearing at the moment. finally, one thing that i'm not failing at.